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Preschoolers Replace Long-Time Employees at Stoke Brokerage Firms

WASHINGTON-A study conducted at Georgetown University shows that preschoolers understand the principles of free trade better than the average American citizen. 

The study, conducted by Dr. James Faust, shows that the 3-4 year old test subjects demonstrated a basic knowledge and understanding of supply, demand, and trading. “We gave all of the children either a cookie, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or a bag of gummy worms,” explained Dr. Faust. “When left to their own devices, they were able to efficiently trade and even negotiate amongst themselves.”

The adult test subjects did not do so well, trying to barter with paper currency instead of sexual favors and promotions, as was expected. “They don’t know the value of a good blow job,” commented Faust. 

The study, which was published earlier this week, sent shockwaves throughout the stock market as brokerage firms laid off most of their employees to hire young kindergarteners graduates. 

“What can I say? I just lost my livelihood and my pension all to some kid out of kindergarten,” said Daniel Nelson, a former broker at Charles Schwab who was laid off after fifteen years of employment with the company. 

The application process was difficult for recent graduates such as T.J., a recent graduate of Montclare Children’s School, on account of the fact that they do not know how to write. “My mommy told me that I was offered a job at some money place because I am really good at trading my PB and J sandwich for Tommy’s Oreo cookies.” 

Many child protection groups are worried that this shift towards younger employees would violate child labor laws, but Charles Schwab spokesperson Chris Diamantopoulos sent out a statement saying, “This is not violating any current legislature. The children are in a safe working environment and receive fair compensation.” Each new employee negotiated their own compensation, which on average consists of a glass of chocolate milk, a grilled-cheese sandwich, and a happy meal toy every week. The former preschoolers have since unionized as a preemptive measure, should they want longer nap breaks.